More thoughts on food

I began 2011 wanting to put a lighter note on things, this blog included. I have a tendency for drama but drama does not have to be entertainment free, or just a downer.

Which is why it's kind of baffling that I want to talk about food on this first try-at-lighthearted post.

But wait! You may remember this post, where I said that I loved food and the cooking of it. And I do. So how could talking about food be anything but a lighthearted subject? Well, loving something doesn't mean you're safe from having a fucked up relationship with it.

My problems with food (or rather, eating food) is less a body image problem and more a self worth problem. Sometimes I just don't find myself worthy of eating. Either I have not worked long enough, worked hard enough, written enough, what I have written isn't good enough, or maybe I have a set list of to-do things and I forbid myself from eating until some items on the list are crossed. Food is a reward I can keep from myself and I'm good at keeping myself from it. It also had the added bonus that I can SEE the effects of the punishment in me. Not eating makes me THIN (and in a sick way that is good so maybe there's also some body image issues in here as well).

I'm able to eat comfortably with friends as long as I have helped with the cooking. If I am told no help is needed with the cooking I will go a bit crazy, ask if there's anything I can bring for the meal and if the answer is no and I'm in a particularly insane day I will try to eat as little as possible (about enough to show I've liked the food but making sure everyone else has had more than me and always refusing seconds). The one exception to this is desserts, mainly because I love desserts but also because people usually expect me to like if not love the dessert.

Yes, people, as you can see, I have issues. Issues that I'm dealing with for a while now but that still can fuck me up good if I let them.

Take today for example: I met at 8 in the morning to have breakfast with a good friend at an ok restaurant. And then I had nothing to eat until like 20 minutes ago. Nothing. Why? Because before I ate I wanted to vacuum, clean the cats' litterbox, shower, and write. I was tired (slept only like 2 hours) but I didn't want to nap and so I ended up not doing most things on that list. So I didn't eat. And then half an hour ago I was like "Martin, this is nonsense, you cannot go to bed without eating something."

Which is untrue, as I have done it before.

But then I told myself that it was decidedly silly of me not to eat just because I hadn't achieved all I had set for today. Food is a necessity, not a reward. And I like cooking. No, I love cooking. And I cook and eat not because I deserve to have food but because I need to have food and not having food only makes it harder for me to meet the goals that make me deny myself the food in the first place.

I think I have failed epically at making this lighthearted, but I wanted to share this. Not because I want pity but because putting this in words and hitting the "Publish Post" button helps me be able to see this on a different light. Yes, I have a fucked up relationship with food, but food isn't what is damaging me, I am (ok, so maybe the bacon-cheese sandwich I just had wasn't the best friend my arteries hoped for, but healthy eating habits is something for another post altogether). Loving food means loving its nourishment and understanding that food gives you this nourishment so you can do with it whatever you need/want.

Thanks for reading.

The Martin/Martin project

As I write this I just finished watching Julie & Julia, a movie that for a time was in my "I want to watch this but I'm afraid I might not like this as much as I think I will" list. It's kind of silly of me because I usually end up liking what is on that list, but we will talk about this later.

I am also on the brink of starting a project. A new project, and people who know me will not think much of this because I plan on begin new projects as often as the sun rises. And then I don't.

Even now all my doubts and fears come. Past projects that have failed (have failed to start, even) come back to me and this little voice inside my head ("little"? It's actually huge) comes and tells me to stop while I'm ahead. To look at the complications ahead and stop now before my losses are far too many to count. To not bother with something that mainly consists on doing something for me and stop and realize how anyone (else) with half a working brain would tell me to stop.

And I'm afraid. I am, and I don't know why because projects that start and never go beyond a few days are all over the internet. As a webcomic reader I have lost count of the amount of comics (some of them promising, some not so much) that simply stopped updating. And I wonder why they stopped updating. And stories of apathy, busy lives, better things to do, and fear come to me. And I wonder if I'm not better off just not dealing with any of that.

But I have kept myself from dealing with "that" (whatever "that" may be) for a long time, and I don't think it's helped me much. In fact I am pretty certain it hasn't. Like, at all. But I keep on keeping myself from it, keep on being afraid of it (of "that"). Even now as I write this blog post part of me is wondering why I write it. Is anyone reading? Does anyone care? Should anyone? This blog, in essence, should be about and for me, and if other people are interested or aided by it then I'm glad but wouldn't it be silly of me to make that my goal?

What is my goal? (Rhetorical question as I either have no idea or could answer this in a thousand different ways.)

But I can also see positive things that may come of it, and positive ways in which it could affect/change me. And, I think, in the end it would be better for me to find out how it would actually affect me, instead of just imagining it and being afraid of what it may bring.

I'm still very, very afraid. But I think I can work with that.

Lesson from Shark

Back in the beginning of the year I sold a short story to a website called Dreamspinner. As you can see, it's a press that specializes on gay fiction. I did it under a pen name and my short story has gotten (mostly) good reviews. They paid me a full thirty-five dollars for said story. When the check came in several friends told me not to cash it. It wasn't that much money and I could instead save it, maybe frame it, and keep it.

What I didn't tell my friends then was that I needed all the money I could get. I hadn't had a job for a while and the little my parents paid me for keeping their shops' papers in check was barely enough for what I needed (and wanted) to spend on.

So I cashed the check and on the same day I cashed the check my tire (the one of the front-right) exploded right as I was arriving at the only place I found here in Mexico City that would take the check I had. Replacing the tire took away basically all of what I had earned in selling that story.

So, that was that, and then lots of things happened and now, recently, the shark has entered my life in an unexpected way. It's been a powerful presence in my dreams, both in its light and shadow aspects.

Sharks (most of them, at least) cannot be still for long. They need to swim in order for water to pass through their gills otherwise they die. Most sharks don't sleep much, they need to keep on moving forward.

Totems (as I believe the Shark to be one of mine) come to one to teach, and after reading some, it seemed rather obvious that the Sharks in my dreams were telling me that I need to keep on moving (metaphorically, although maybe physically in some ways as well) and warning me of what would happen if I didn't.

But just moments ago, as I stood under the shower mulling about what is it that keeps me from going forward (short answer: me) I remembered what happened to my car back in the beginning of the year. And I saw it under a different light.

What I earned from writing my short story allowed me to fix my car and keep on moving.

I don't think I would've been able to see that without Shark.

Again, this is me

I think this blog kind of got away from me. Or rather I let myself run with it in a direction different to what it was supposed to be. My princess side, it seems, is a very dramatic side.

I haven't been on tumblr and here for a while, basically because I had limited access to internet for the past three months. Also, I did not try too hard to come up with idea for this blog. I feel kinda bad admitting it now, but that's the way it was. I was busy with other things, and I don't feel too sorry about being busy with those other things, to tell you the truth.

I'm remaking my online persona. For one, I'm getting rid of the name "Ashley" and its variants (except for the fact that it has become the name under which I publish erotic gay fiction although it's an altered version and no longer has my last name attached to it). Instead I'm going by a name that is an anagram of my real name: Mint Onarel.

Things change. People change. I want to change and also want to feel like I do more. Which means I have to actually do more. I have plans, as I often do, but what can I say? I'm easily distracted.

This blog will remain (for now) and I'll find some use or another for it. I like the tints it has played with so far but I feel that I need a new medium to experiment with a brighter palette.

The Gift of Food

I love food.

I don't necessarily mean the act of eating food, although that can be quite enjoyable as well. I mean food as a form of nourishment, as a ritual, as a creative outlet, and as way to show you care. Food as a symbol in movies and books interests me as well. And the act of cooking is like magic to me.

I love cooking.

And baking. For a while I felt that there did not exist a more sincere way to show my appreciation for someone than baking a cake for said person. For me, the act of making a cake was not only the mixing of certain ingredients in a certain way to achieve a desired result, but a way to give some of my own time to someone else.

I think it all comes back to the ideas of warm and nourishment. The point of gift giving is to give something the other person might find useful and/or enjoyable, taking into account the person's likes and dislikes. To give food as a gift may seem to go against the idea of a durable gift, but by eating your gift that person is receiving nourishment from what you give them. It stays with them. It goes with them.

I don't feel the same way about cooking and baking as I did when I began baking. I can make stuff for myself now, without having the thought of someone else to give to. I can let myself experiment and allow myself to make mistakes. But food retains its magic for me. It's a wondrous thing that you may take unchanged from nature or transformed through heat and it goes into you and allows you to live on.

And this is why I love food, and thinking about food. It's magic.

Fairytale, First Part: Birth

Since not many people know of the fairy blessings and curses meant to aid or harm the Kings and Queens of old, it's not odd to find these peculiar spells working in odd ways nowadays.

So this King and Queen, who had no idea of their ancestry or fairy spells that came with it, received their children happily.

The firstborn was granted the Gifts of the Firstborn, being inherited from both his mother and father. This spell made sure he would be born a male, and grant him bravery, as well as strength of mind, body and heart.

But besides the importance of a male heir, ancient Kings and Queens could not decide what was the second most important thing to have. The King's ancestors had decided to ask for a Spell of the Shield Bearer, to make sure the Firstborn would have a strong, loyal brother. The Queen's ancestors, with an eye on expanding their borders, instead asked for the Damsel Princess Charm, hoping that a beautiful daughter would aid them in their plans.

But as the spells quarreled between them, arguing for what would be better for the family, they failed to notice that the without their choosing, the second child was born, and he happened to be a boy.

The Damsel Princess Charm, would have none of this, and without allowing the Queen or King a say in the matter, it made sure they had a daughter for it to bless. And so the King and Queen were surprised to know that the Queen was with child, and were pleased to see in their daughter such beauty.

And so, the Spell of the Shield Bearer was free to cast itself upon the other boy. And it would have done so, but as he approached him, it noticed that this boy was different.

He had the King's face, yes, but he was quick to smile and had a gentle voice. He looked for amity instead of war, and was quiet instead of rowdy. And so, having only barely touched the boy, the Spell of the Shield Bearer decided that he would not be subjected to this Prince, and instead flew away. Its magic slowly vanished as it did so, and it turned into a bird.

And so it appeared as if the Second Prince would remain unblessed, were not by the spell that was awakened by the absence of the others.

It was a lesser spell, one to modify one of the others rather than the do the whole of the blessing itself. But as it was, the touch of the Spell of the Shield Bearer had given the boy something, and this spell thought the boy deserved better. Even if it only was a little bit. So the spell lightly fell upon the boy, granting him the gifts it had.

As it lay upon the boy, the spell found it comforting, natural, easy. There was something different about him, the spell could perceive. Glowing a slight pink, the spell expanded its paper like wings to completely cover the boy. As it kissed his face, letting its magic envelop his body, the spell realized that this boy was no prince, but a princess.

Smiling slightly, the Charm of Charm set itself upon the boy princess, hoping this small blessing would be enough help for him.

Rant the Geeky One

Another confession: besides Final Fantasy VII, I have never finished a Final Fantasy game. I've watched people finish their games, and I'm content with that. What do I do? I go the ENTIRE GAME and then on the save point before the final boss battle I go back and try to get EVERYTHING in the game.

If you've played a Final Fantasy game, you know this is no easy feat.

So, since I cannot play Final Fantasy XIII, it being released only on consoles I cannot afford for the time being, I am playing Final Fantasy XII. I had been avoiding this game because the main character irks me, but at least the characters around him are agreeable.

What I like about Final Fantasy XII is that you can pretty much customize any character to become whatever you want it to become. I have a very concise idea of what I want in a party of adventurers and so I can work with the game to have not one but two perfect trios comprised of a leader (basically a tank with lots of hp and attack power), a secondary attacker in charge of items (who also steals from foes and has decent magic power), and a mage in charge of healing and handling a long-range weapon as to not be in the middle of the battle.

At first I pretty much just followed a very loose path of what I wanted my characters to learn and often I would forget what it is I wanted and would end up spending my license points in the wrong thing. After I realized this I began making a list where I wrote down the path each of my six characters will go in order to better do their craft. I was aware of the geekiness involved in this, but at least I wasn't making spreadsheets.

However, Final Fantasy XII's monsters aren't the money-rich monsters of other games. Instead, they drop "loot", which you sell in order to get money to buy better weapons, armor, spells, techniques, etc. This loot also becomes neat items in an alternate shop called "bazaar".

There is, of course, a very definite set of rules as to how the bazaar works, and I happened to find a very detailed, intricate guide that showed exactly how many of which items were needed, and for a fleeting moment, I considered the possibility of making a very complex system that would make my looting far more productive than just killing a lot of things, selling what they dropped, and hope for the best.

Then I realized the amount of work that would entail.

At one point I might have done it. When paired with the right people my geekiness level rises and I've been known to keep complex documents about Harvest Moon and Final Fantasy Tactics for the PSOne. But not this time. I will go out of my way to get all the hunts I can, and I will keep on doing the "write down next thing to learn", but I refuse to put so much work into a small part of a game I'm supposed to be having FUN with.

Unless, of course, upon further reading of the long, intricate guide on the many uses of loot, I find an item that changes my mind.