More thoughts on food

I began 2011 wanting to put a lighter note on things, this blog included. I have a tendency for drama but drama does not have to be entertainment free, or just a downer.

Which is why it's kind of baffling that I want to talk about food on this first try-at-lighthearted post.

But wait! You may remember this post, where I said that I loved food and the cooking of it. And I do. So how could talking about food be anything but a lighthearted subject? Well, loving something doesn't mean you're safe from having a fucked up relationship with it.

My problems with food (or rather, eating food) is less a body image problem and more a self worth problem. Sometimes I just don't find myself worthy of eating. Either I have not worked long enough, worked hard enough, written enough, what I have written isn't good enough, or maybe I have a set list of to-do things and I forbid myself from eating until some items on the list are crossed. Food is a reward I can keep from myself and I'm good at keeping myself from it. It also had the added bonus that I can SEE the effects of the punishment in me. Not eating makes me THIN (and in a sick way that is good so maybe there's also some body image issues in here as well).

I'm able to eat comfortably with friends as long as I have helped with the cooking. If I am told no help is needed with the cooking I will go a bit crazy, ask if there's anything I can bring for the meal and if the answer is no and I'm in a particularly insane day I will try to eat as little as possible (about enough to show I've liked the food but making sure everyone else has had more than me and always refusing seconds). The one exception to this is desserts, mainly because I love desserts but also because people usually expect me to like if not love the dessert.

Yes, people, as you can see, I have issues. Issues that I'm dealing with for a while now but that still can fuck me up good if I let them.

Take today for example: I met at 8 in the morning to have breakfast with a good friend at an ok restaurant. And then I had nothing to eat until like 20 minutes ago. Nothing. Why? Because before I ate I wanted to vacuum, clean the cats' litterbox, shower, and write. I was tired (slept only like 2 hours) but I didn't want to nap and so I ended up not doing most things on that list. So I didn't eat. And then half an hour ago I was like "Martin, this is nonsense, you cannot go to bed without eating something."

Which is untrue, as I have done it before.

But then I told myself that it was decidedly silly of me not to eat just because I hadn't achieved all I had set for today. Food is a necessity, not a reward. And I like cooking. No, I love cooking. And I cook and eat not because I deserve to have food but because I need to have food and not having food only makes it harder for me to meet the goals that make me deny myself the food in the first place.

I think I have failed epically at making this lighthearted, but I wanted to share this. Not because I want pity but because putting this in words and hitting the "Publish Post" button helps me be able to see this on a different light. Yes, I have a fucked up relationship with food, but food isn't what is damaging me, I am (ok, so maybe the bacon-cheese sandwich I just had wasn't the best friend my arteries hoped for, but healthy eating habits is something for another post altogether). Loving food means loving its nourishment and understanding that food gives you this nourishment so you can do with it whatever you need/want.

Thanks for reading.

The Martin/Martin project

As I write this I just finished watching Julie & Julia, a movie that for a time was in my "I want to watch this but I'm afraid I might not like this as much as I think I will" list. It's kind of silly of me because I usually end up liking what is on that list, but we will talk about this later.

I am also on the brink of starting a project. A new project, and people who know me will not think much of this because I plan on begin new projects as often as the sun rises. And then I don't.

Even now all my doubts and fears come. Past projects that have failed (have failed to start, even) come back to me and this little voice inside my head ("little"? It's actually huge) comes and tells me to stop while I'm ahead. To look at the complications ahead and stop now before my losses are far too many to count. To not bother with something that mainly consists on doing something for me and stop and realize how anyone (else) with half a working brain would tell me to stop.

And I'm afraid. I am, and I don't know why because projects that start and never go beyond a few days are all over the internet. As a webcomic reader I have lost count of the amount of comics (some of them promising, some not so much) that simply stopped updating. And I wonder why they stopped updating. And stories of apathy, busy lives, better things to do, and fear come to me. And I wonder if I'm not better off just not dealing with any of that.

But I have kept myself from dealing with "that" (whatever "that" may be) for a long time, and I don't think it's helped me much. In fact I am pretty certain it hasn't. Like, at all. But I keep on keeping myself from it, keep on being afraid of it (of "that"). Even now as I write this blog post part of me is wondering why I write it. Is anyone reading? Does anyone care? Should anyone? This blog, in essence, should be about and for me, and if other people are interested or aided by it then I'm glad but wouldn't it be silly of me to make that my goal?

What is my goal? (Rhetorical question as I either have no idea or could answer this in a thousand different ways.)

But I can also see positive things that may come of it, and positive ways in which it could affect/change me. And, I think, in the end it would be better for me to find out how it would actually affect me, instead of just imagining it and being afraid of what it may bring.

I'm still very, very afraid. But I think I can work with that.

Again, this is me

I think this blog kind of got away from me. Or rather I let myself run with it in a direction different to what it was supposed to be. My princess side, it seems, is a very dramatic side.

I haven't been on tumblr and here for a while, basically because I had limited access to internet for the past three months. Also, I did not try too hard to come up with idea for this blog. I feel kinda bad admitting it now, but that's the way it was. I was busy with other things, and I don't feel too sorry about being busy with those other things, to tell you the truth.

I'm remaking my online persona. For one, I'm getting rid of the name "Ashley" and its variants (except for the fact that it has become the name under which I publish erotic gay fiction although it's an altered version and no longer has my last name attached to it). Instead I'm going by a name that is an anagram of my real name: Mint Onarel.

Things change. People change. I want to change and also want to feel like I do more. Which means I have to actually do more. I have plans, as I often do, but what can I say? I'm easily distracted.

This blog will remain (for now) and I'll find some use or another for it. I like the tints it has played with so far but I feel that I need a new medium to experiment with a brighter palette.

The Gift of Food

I love food.

I don't necessarily mean the act of eating food, although that can be quite enjoyable as well. I mean food as a form of nourishment, as a ritual, as a creative outlet, and as way to show you care. Food as a symbol in movies and books interests me as well. And the act of cooking is like magic to me.

I love cooking.

And baking. For a while I felt that there did not exist a more sincere way to show my appreciation for someone than baking a cake for said person. For me, the act of making a cake was not only the mixing of certain ingredients in a certain way to achieve a desired result, but a way to give some of my own time to someone else.

I think it all comes back to the ideas of warm and nourishment. The point of gift giving is to give something the other person might find useful and/or enjoyable, taking into account the person's likes and dislikes. To give food as a gift may seem to go against the idea of a durable gift, but by eating your gift that person is receiving nourishment from what you give them. It stays with them. It goes with them.

I don't feel the same way about cooking and baking as I did when I began baking. I can make stuff for myself now, without having the thought of someone else to give to. I can let myself experiment and allow myself to make mistakes. But food retains its magic for me. It's a wondrous thing that you may take unchanged from nature or transformed through heat and it goes into you and allows you to live on.

And this is why I love food, and thinking about food. It's magic.

Fairytale, First Part: Birth

Since not many people know of the fairy blessings and curses meant to aid or harm the Kings and Queens of old, it's not odd to find these peculiar spells working in odd ways nowadays.

So this King and Queen, who had no idea of their ancestry or fairy spells that came with it, received their children happily.

The firstborn was granted the Gifts of the Firstborn, being inherited from both his mother and father. This spell made sure he would be born a male, and grant him bravery, as well as strength of mind, body and heart.

But besides the importance of a male heir, ancient Kings and Queens could not decide what was the second most important thing to have. The King's ancestors had decided to ask for a Spell of the Shield Bearer, to make sure the Firstborn would have a strong, loyal brother. The Queen's ancestors, with an eye on expanding their borders, instead asked for the Damsel Princess Charm, hoping that a beautiful daughter would aid them in their plans.

But as the spells quarreled between them, arguing for what would be better for the family, they failed to notice that the without their choosing, the second child was born, and he happened to be a boy.

The Damsel Princess Charm, would have none of this, and without allowing the Queen or King a say in the matter, it made sure they had a daughter for it to bless. And so the King and Queen were surprised to know that the Queen was with child, and were pleased to see in their daughter such beauty.

And so, the Spell of the Shield Bearer was free to cast itself upon the other boy. And it would have done so, but as he approached him, it noticed that this boy was different.

He had the King's face, yes, but he was quick to smile and had a gentle voice. He looked for amity instead of war, and was quiet instead of rowdy. And so, having only barely touched the boy, the Spell of the Shield Bearer decided that he would not be subjected to this Prince, and instead flew away. Its magic slowly vanished as it did so, and it turned into a bird.

And so it appeared as if the Second Prince would remain unblessed, were not by the spell that was awakened by the absence of the others.

It was a lesser spell, one to modify one of the others rather than the do the whole of the blessing itself. But as it was, the touch of the Spell of the Shield Bearer had given the boy something, and this spell thought the boy deserved better. Even if it only was a little bit. So the spell lightly fell upon the boy, granting him the gifts it had.

As it lay upon the boy, the spell found it comforting, natural, easy. There was something different about him, the spell could perceive. Glowing a slight pink, the spell expanded its paper like wings to completely cover the boy. As it kissed his face, letting its magic envelop his body, the spell realized that this boy was no prince, but a princess.

Smiling slightly, the Charm of Charm set itself upon the boy princess, hoping this small blessing would be enough help for him.

He's a Very Nice Prince

[CINDERELLA]
He's a very nice Prince.

[BAKER'S WIFE]
And-?

[CINDERELLA]
And-
It's a very nice ball.

[BAKER'S WIFE]
And-?

[CINDERELLA]
And-
When I entered they trumpeted.

[BAKER'S WIFE]
And-?
The Prince-?

[CINDERELLA]
Oh, the Prince...

[BAKER'S WIFE]
Yes, the Prince!

[CINDERELLA]
Well, he's tall.

[BAKER'S WIFE]
Is that all?

We all have ideals. Concepts in our heads that are perfect and next to which we compare everything that happens in our lives. "Prince Charming" is to every princess the concept next to which every guy will be compared.

[BAKER'S WIFE]
Did you dance?
Is he charming?
They say that he's charming.

[CINDERELLA]
We did nothing but dance.

[BAKER'S WIFE]
Yes-? And-?

[CINDERELLA]
And it made a nice change.

[BAKER'S WIFE]
No, the Prince!

[CINDERELLA]
Oh, the Prince...

[BAKER'S WIFE]
Yes, the Prince.

[CINDERELLA]
He has charm for a Prince, I guess...

[BAKER'S WIFE]
guess?

[CINDERELLA]
I don't meet a wide range.

It's an idea that has gotten quite the bit of critique lately. It has become a sort of fashion to blame fairy tales (and specifically, Walt Disney Animation Studios) for raising the expectations of gullible girls and gay boys to such levels that most males would rather just not try at all rather than spend a lifetime building the body of a Greek god while simultaneously becoming the ultimate genius renaissance man.

[BAKER'S WIFE]
Did he bow?
Was he cold and polite?

[CINDERELLA]
And it's all very strange.

[BAKER'S WIFE]
Did he speak? Did he flirt?
Could you tell right away he was royalty?
Is he sensitive,
Clever,
Well-mannered,
Considerate,
Passionate,
Charming,
As kind as he's handsome,
As wise as he's rich,
Is he everything you've ever wanted?

But so much of what the Prince Charming ideal is includes what we want it to include. It's like Cinderella and everyone thinking that she wants to marry the Prince in the first place. She doesn't, all that she wants is to go to the ball. It's us that want her to marry the prince, because we feel she deserves it.

[CINDERELLA]
But how can you know what you want
Till you get what you want
And you see if you like it?

As far as my Prince Charming is concerned, he is beyond perfect. He's an ideal I've worked on ever since I started storytelling to myself and I pretty much started doing that when I was able to form coherent sentences. It's evolved in such a way that it isn't one ideal, but several, each fitting a specific moment or mood. Some of them only existed for a specific chapter in my life. Some of them borrow heavily from real people and others from characters in books and movies. What all of them have in common is that they all know exactly what I need.

[BAKER'S WIFE]
Would I know?

[CINDERELLA]
All I know is-

[BAKER'S WIFE]
I never wish-

[CINDERELLA]
What I want most of all-

[BAKER'S WIFE]
Just within reason.

[CINDERELLA]
Is to know what I want.

How can I make sense of a guy that is, in fact, many guys? How can I have ideals that contradict one another? How can my needs be so different from one moment to the next that I can't come up with a character that can cope with them without becoming more than one character? How can I enter a relationship with a real person when I can't trust myself to keep my ideas from one moment to the next?

[BAKER'S WIFE]
When you know you can't have what you want,
Where's the profit in wishing?

Whenever someone tells me to get over my Prince Charming ideal and "give a guy a chance" I feel as if I'm being asked to lower my standards at the same time I'm disrespecting whoever I'm giving said chance to.

[BOTH]
He's a very nice Prince...

I don't feel that ignoring what and who my Prince Charming is in favor of whatever guy is around will do me any good, really. My Prince Charming could be a very clear image of what I want, and to turn my back on him would be to ignore what I feel I need. My Prince Charming, after all, is also an extension of me and not a fantasy waiting to come to life. He is part what I expect of others and part what I expect of me in the context of a relationship.

You have to look behind the fairy tale to understand it. Under the fantasy there is a hidden truth, and in order to find it you need to submerge yourself in it.

Lyrics from Into the Woods

Princess-like

Let's talk about something I've been avoiding for a while, and that is the name for this blog.

"Princess" has been a self-given title of myself for quite a while. I might not have called myself one in public until last year, but that doesn't mean I didn't see myself as one. Most of my make-believe games while growing up had me being one, as long as I played with myself (while playing with others, I didn't even try for a "prince" title). And my fascination with princesses comes mainly from the place where most girls got their self-deluded idea of royalty as well: Disney.

Nostalgia Chick did a pretty good video on the whole Disney Princess phenomenon. And it's important to mention that the Disney Princess line was sort of an afterthought after one of the honchos at Disney realized that girls really bought into the whole idea (the word "bought" there also refers to how much money they and/or their parents spent on the idea). For me, the Disney Princess was less a merchandise (probably because there were (or are) no items marketed for boys) and more an ideal. Disney Princesses might've started as complex stories of Damsels In Distress (Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty), but I grew up with the ones that would fight for what they wanted. I'd finally find my One True Princess with Belle.

Belle was well-read, snarky, and would wear one of the best dresses ever worn by a princess. She was brave, curious, and the kind of boy I wanted to be when I turned 18.

Yes, boy, for you see, it never occurred to me that Princess had a gender limit. As far as I cared at the time, the only difference between Belle and I was that she was a girl and I was a boy and just as Adam (or the Beast, for those of you who do not know the Beast's name) saw her for who she truly was and loved her, someone would do the same with me. I was as sure of being a boy, as I was sure of being a Princess.

Some years later, Cuarón's A Little Princess would come out in movie theaters, and she would deliver onto me (us) the following line.

Miss Minchin: Don't tell me you still fancy yourself a princess? Child, look around you! Or better yet, look in the mirror.
(dramatic pause goes here)
Sara Crewe: I am a princess. All girls are. Even if they live in tiny old attics. Even if they dress in rags, even if they aren't pretty, or smart, or young. They're still princesses. All of us.

Yes. All of us. Even the ones who are boys.

Sadly, not long after this (which is an event that would later have me wanting to become a filmmaker) I had to face the real world. The real world had very definite standards when it came to its princesses, and I did not even begin to fit any of them.

While the fantasy became silent, it did not become absent. Sometimes things about ourselves that are hidden take on far more power than those that we do acknowledge. The Princess factor in my case sort of helped me through all of my jr. high and high school drama. It was an escape.

It would take until college to retake the whole Princess ideal. What is it? What does it mean for me? How does it affect me and those around me? Am I really a princess?

As the title of this blog might've told you, yes, I do still see myself as Princess-like. At first I commented it among friends as a joke, but it began gaining momentum in my own subconscious. I began to question what it meant to be a Princess, and how my being a male affected it.

My main issue was based on the idea that what is feminine is weak. A Princess can be a strong female figure, but to put any sort of feminine characteristic on a male ideal is to weaken it. Being a feminine boy, I was no stranger to people thinking of me as weak. The only answer to this, I was told, is to become more male (tougher, stronger, less sensitive). But that to me would've meant creating a mask. Strength is not real strength unless it comes from who you are.

But then I realized that for all it's chest-pounding bravado the idea of what is to be "a man" is fueled a lot by fear. Being "a man" is a lot more about what you don't do than what you actually do. So by forgoing that fear I was actually brave and strong. Putting on a mask would only give a face to my fears, showing myself as I am would be to deny fear an entryway.

Right now, what being a Princess means for me is to try and know yourself. It means to keep a sense of wonder about the world. It means to try and be kind to everyone. It means to focus not on the problem at hand but on how to solve it. It means not to underestimate yourself.

I am a Princess, and I say that only half-jokingly.