The Martin/Martin project

As I write this I just finished watching Julie & Julia, a movie that for a time was in my "I want to watch this but I'm afraid I might not like this as much as I think I will" list. It's kind of silly of me because I usually end up liking what is on that list, but we will talk about this later.

I am also on the brink of starting a project. A new project, and people who know me will not think much of this because I plan on begin new projects as often as the sun rises. And then I don't.

Even now all my doubts and fears come. Past projects that have failed (have failed to start, even) come back to me and this little voice inside my head ("little"? It's actually huge) comes and tells me to stop while I'm ahead. To look at the complications ahead and stop now before my losses are far too many to count. To not bother with something that mainly consists on doing something for me and stop and realize how anyone (else) with half a working brain would tell me to stop.

And I'm afraid. I am, and I don't know why because projects that start and never go beyond a few days are all over the internet. As a webcomic reader I have lost count of the amount of comics (some of them promising, some not so much) that simply stopped updating. And I wonder why they stopped updating. And stories of apathy, busy lives, better things to do, and fear come to me. And I wonder if I'm not better off just not dealing with any of that.

But I have kept myself from dealing with "that" (whatever "that" may be) for a long time, and I don't think it's helped me much. In fact I am pretty certain it hasn't. Like, at all. But I keep on keeping myself from it, keep on being afraid of it (of "that"). Even now as I write this blog post part of me is wondering why I write it. Is anyone reading? Does anyone care? Should anyone? This blog, in essence, should be about and for me, and if other people are interested or aided by it then I'm glad but wouldn't it be silly of me to make that my goal?

What is my goal? (Rhetorical question as I either have no idea or could answer this in a thousand different ways.)

But I can also see positive things that may come of it, and positive ways in which it could affect/change me. And, I think, in the end it would be better for me to find out how it would actually affect me, instead of just imagining it and being afraid of what it may bring.

I'm still very, very afraid. But I think I can work with that.

Lesson from Shark

Back in the beginning of the year I sold a short story to a website called Dreamspinner. As you can see, it's a press that specializes on gay fiction. I did it under a pen name and my short story has gotten (mostly) good reviews. They paid me a full thirty-five dollars for said story. When the check came in several friends told me not to cash it. It wasn't that much money and I could instead save it, maybe frame it, and keep it.

What I didn't tell my friends then was that I needed all the money I could get. I hadn't had a job for a while and the little my parents paid me for keeping their shops' papers in check was barely enough for what I needed (and wanted) to spend on.

So I cashed the check and on the same day I cashed the check my tire (the one of the front-right) exploded right as I was arriving at the only place I found here in Mexico City that would take the check I had. Replacing the tire took away basically all of what I had earned in selling that story.

So, that was that, and then lots of things happened and now, recently, the shark has entered my life in an unexpected way. It's been a powerful presence in my dreams, both in its light and shadow aspects.

Sharks (most of them, at least) cannot be still for long. They need to swim in order for water to pass through their gills otherwise they die. Most sharks don't sleep much, they need to keep on moving forward.

Totems (as I believe the Shark to be one of mine) come to one to teach, and after reading some, it seemed rather obvious that the Sharks in my dreams were telling me that I need to keep on moving (metaphorically, although maybe physically in some ways as well) and warning me of what would happen if I didn't.

But just moments ago, as I stood under the shower mulling about what is it that keeps me from going forward (short answer: me) I remembered what happened to my car back in the beginning of the year. And I saw it under a different light.

What I earned from writing my short story allowed me to fix my car and keep on moving.

I don't think I would've been able to see that without Shark.