Plans for the future

I want my next boyfriend to be someone I want to be in a relationship with, not someone I grudgingly accept to be in a relationship with.

That may sound like something idiotic to say, but it's true. My first relationship was something I completely forced myself into. I didn't like him, but he was one of several guys I would've rejected and all of my friends saying "you're too picky" and things of the like got me thinking and I tried to force myself to like him. I tried to force myself to call him and sound happy when he called me. When he tried to break up with me I didn't stop him.

Then the next guy forced himself to be at my side. I don't know what he saw in me but he did and I was afraid of hurting him so I let him be at my side but I never really let him be close to me. He drifted away and I can't really say I miss him. I'm easy to read, so he probably saw that I wasn't really into it.

I care what others think about me way too much. Words wound me in silly ways. But as of late I'd rather be a bitch and let others think I have petty reasons for dismissing suitors than deal with the fact that I'm in a relationship I want out, fast.

Before we actually start...

I believe in fairy tales. I do. If I had to describe my ideal guy, he would be the perfect mix between the beast, the prince charming, the knight in shining armor, and the big bad wolf. I know that this is my first and biggest obstacle when it comes to finding a boyfriend, and ultimately Love. The fact that I want a kiss that makes me feel like fireworks are going off in the background pretty much means any guy that comes my way has a lot to do in order for me to like him. I know it's unfair, childish, and silly to do so, but that doesn't keep me from kissing frogs waiting for one of them to turn into my prince.

So far, none have, as it was obvious prior to my kissing that they wouldn't because they weren't frogs. They were people, and I knew who they were (more or less) and I knew before I put them through the Impassable Test that they weren't what I was looking for.

OkCupid says that I'm the Mixed Messenger. I am. I will give a guy a come hither one moment only to push his hands away the next. I will smile sweetly at him and then suddenly frown and look away just because I didn't like the way the light hit his hair. My mind is constantly checking rights and wrongs in a guy and the jury will come with an "ok" one moment, change into "not EVER" the next, and end in an "don't care, I'd rather be looking at jeans".

What does this all lead to? That this princess' main problem is that he actually believes he's a princess and expects a fairy tale-like romance. He is aware of it, and part of him says that he should change. Romance and relationships aren't what Disney told him should be (not that Disney ever said how gay relationships worked), but maybe he can have a few elements of the coveted fairy tale.

It's not like I understand myself, srsly.