Plans for the future

I want my next boyfriend to be someone I want to be in a relationship with, not someone I grudgingly accept to be in a relationship with.

That may sound like something idiotic to say, but it's true. My first relationship was something I completely forced myself into. I didn't like him, but he was one of several guys I would've rejected and all of my friends saying "you're too picky" and things of the like got me thinking and I tried to force myself to like him. I tried to force myself to call him and sound happy when he called me. When he tried to break up with me I didn't stop him.

Then the next guy forced himself to be at my side. I don't know what he saw in me but he did and I was afraid of hurting him so I let him be at my side but I never really let him be close to me. He drifted away and I can't really say I miss him. I'm easy to read, so he probably saw that I wasn't really into it.

I care what others think about me way too much. Words wound me in silly ways. But as of late I'd rather be a bitch and let others think I have petty reasons for dismissing suitors than deal with the fact that I'm in a relationship I want out, fast.