So, as I was talking to a friend the other day I came to a point where I told him my main problem as of late. And by "as of late" I mean "for quite a while now".
I'm afraid.
Actually, "afraid" doesn't quite do justice to how I feel. I'm terrified. I'm paralyzed with fear. You know the point where you're too afraid to scream? That's where I'm at.
I also feel ridiculously silly for admitting such a thing.
As I talked to him, I realized that this fear was far too much for me to handle on my own. It's a monstrous amount of fear that looms over my every thought and action. That keeps me from doing what I want and from breaking loose of what I need to escape.
I'm so afraid that I'm actually surprised I've managed to get anything done in the past few months. Ever since the end of 2009 there hasn't been a week where one day I just lie on my bed, deciding that maybe if I hide from the world it might decide to go away and just leave me alone. I don't want to admit to my close friends or my family that I have such a hard time getting up in the morning. I don't want it to be known that as of late I've been running away, stalling, refusing to realize that my every action in the past was leading to this one point where I break out of a prison I crafted for myself.
I want out, you see, I desperately want out of this prison. And all I need in order to destroy it is the will, because I know of several ways to be done with it. But what this prison holds up is what I have come to consider the "correct" image of me. Or rather the correct images of me. I can't leave this prison and leave them standing, but to destroy it means to destroy an elaborate illusion of me I began crafting years ago.
Perhaps I could better explain this if I wrote you a fairy tale.
So I will.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
He's a Very Nice Prince
[CINDERELLA]
He's a very nice Prince.
[BAKER'S WIFE]
And-?
[CINDERELLA]
And-
It's a very nice ball.
[BAKER'S WIFE]
And-?
[CINDERELLA]
And-
When I entered they trumpeted.
[BAKER'S WIFE]
And-?
The Prince-?
[CINDERELLA]
Oh, the Prince...
[BAKER'S WIFE]
Yes, the Prince!
[CINDERELLA]
Well, he's tall.
[BAKER'S WIFE]
Is that all?
He's a very nice Prince.
[BAKER'S WIFE]
And-?
[CINDERELLA]
And-
It's a very nice ball.
[BAKER'S WIFE]
And-?
[CINDERELLA]
And-
When I entered they trumpeted.
[BAKER'S WIFE]
And-?
The Prince-?
[CINDERELLA]
Oh, the Prince...
[BAKER'S WIFE]
Yes, the Prince!
[CINDERELLA]
Well, he's tall.
[BAKER'S WIFE]
Is that all?
We all have ideals. Concepts in our heads that are perfect and next to which we compare everything that happens in our lives. "Prince Charming" is to every princess the concept next to which every guy will be compared.
[BAKER'S WIFE]
Did you dance?
Is he charming?
They say that he's charming.
Did you dance?
Is he charming?
They say that he's charming.
[CINDERELLA]
We did nothing but dance.
[BAKER'S WIFE]
Yes-? And-?
[CINDERELLA]
And it made a nice change.
[BAKER'S WIFE]
No, the Prince!
[CINDERELLA]
Oh, the Prince...
[BAKER'S WIFE]
Yes, the Prince.
[CINDERELLA]
He has charm for a Prince, I guess...
[BAKER'S WIFE]
guess?
[CINDERELLA]
I don't meet a wide range.
We did nothing but dance.
[BAKER'S WIFE]
Yes-? And-?
[CINDERELLA]
And it made a nice change.
[BAKER'S WIFE]
No, the Prince!
[CINDERELLA]
Oh, the Prince...
[BAKER'S WIFE]
Yes, the Prince.
[CINDERELLA]
He has charm for a Prince, I guess...
[BAKER'S WIFE]
guess?
[CINDERELLA]
I don't meet a wide range.
It's an idea that has gotten quite the bit of critique lately. It has become a sort of fashion to blame fairy tales (and specifically, Walt Disney Animation Studios) for raising the expectations of gullible girls and gay boys to such levels that most males would rather just not try at all rather than spend a lifetime building the body of a Greek god while simultaneously becoming the ultimate genius renaissance man.
[BAKER'S WIFE]
Did he bow?
Was he cold and polite?
[CINDERELLA]
And it's all very strange.
[BAKER'S WIFE]
Did he speak? Did he flirt?
Could you tell right away he was royalty?
Is he sensitive,
Clever,
Well-mannered,
Considerate,
Passionate,
Charming,
As kind as he's handsome,
As wise as he's rich,
Is he everything you've ever wanted?
Did he bow?
Was he cold and polite?
[CINDERELLA]
And it's all very strange.
[BAKER'S WIFE]
Did he speak? Did he flirt?
Could you tell right away he was royalty?
Is he sensitive,
Clever,
Well-mannered,
Considerate,
Passionate,
Charming,
As kind as he's handsome,
As wise as he's rich,
Is he everything you've ever wanted?
But so much of what the Prince Charming ideal is includes what we want it to include. It's like Cinderella and everyone thinking that she wants to marry the Prince in the first place. She doesn't, all that she wants is to go to the ball. It's us that want her to marry the prince, because we feel she deserves it.
[CINDERELLA]
But how can you know what you want
Till you get what you want
And you see if you like it?
But how can you know what you want
Till you get what you want
And you see if you like it?
As far as my Prince Charming is concerned, he is beyond perfect. He's an ideal I've worked on ever since I started storytelling to myself and I pretty much started doing that when I was able to form coherent sentences. It's evolved in such a way that it isn't one ideal, but several, each fitting a specific moment or mood. Some of them only existed for a specific chapter in my life. Some of them borrow heavily from real people and others from characters in books and movies. What all of them have in common is that they all know exactly what I need.
[BAKER'S WIFE]
Would I know?
[CINDERELLA]
All I know is-
[BAKER'S WIFE]
I never wish-
[CINDERELLA]
What I want most of all-
[BAKER'S WIFE]
Just within reason.
[CINDERELLA]
Is to know what I want.
[BAKER'S WIFE]
When you know you can't have what you want,
Where's the profit in wishing?
Would I know?
[CINDERELLA]
All I know is-
[BAKER'S WIFE]
I never wish-
[CINDERELLA]
What I want most of all-
[BAKER'S WIFE]
Just within reason.
[CINDERELLA]
Is to know what I want.
How can I make sense of a guy that is, in fact, many guys? How can I have ideals that contradict one another? How can my needs be so different from one moment to the next that I can't come up with a character that can cope with them without becoming more than one character? How can I enter a relationship with a real person when I can't trust myself to keep my ideas from one moment to the next?
[BAKER'S WIFE]
When you know you can't have what you want,
Where's the profit in wishing?
Whenever someone tells me to get over my Prince Charming ideal and "give a guy a chance" I feel as if I'm being asked to lower my standards at the same time I'm disrespecting whoever I'm giving said chance to.
[BOTH]
He's a very nice Prince...
He's a very nice Prince...
I don't feel that ignoring what and who my Prince Charming is in favor of whatever guy is around will do me any good, really. My Prince Charming could be a very clear image of what I want, and to turn my back on him would be to ignore what I feel I need. My Prince Charming, after all, is also an extension of me and not a fantasy waiting to come to life. He is part what I expect of others and part what I expect of me in the context of a relationship.
You have to look behind the fairy tale to understand it. Under the fantasy there is a hidden truth, and in order to find it you need to submerge yourself in it.
Lyrics from Into the Woods
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Princess-like
Let's talk about something I've been avoiding for a while, and that is the name for this blog.
"Princess" has been a self-given title of myself for quite a while. I might not have called myself one in public until last year, but that doesn't mean I didn't see myself as one. Most of my make-believe games while growing up had me being one, as long as I played with myself (while playing with others, I didn't even try for a "prince" title). And my fascination with princesses comes mainly from the place where most girls got their self-deluded idea of royalty as well: Disney.
Nostalgia Chick did a pretty good video on the whole Disney Princess phenomenon. And it's important to mention that the Disney Princess line was sort of an afterthought after one of the honchos at Disney realized that girls really bought into the whole idea (the word "bought" there also refers to how much money they and/or their parents spent on the idea). For me, the Disney Princess was less a merchandise (probably because there were (or are) no items marketed for boys) and more an ideal. Disney Princesses might've started as complex stories of Damsels In Distress (Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty), but I grew up with the ones that would fight for what they wanted. I'd finally find my One True Princess with Belle.
Belle was well-read, snarky, and would wear one of the best dresses ever worn by a princess. She was brave, curious, and the kind of boy I wanted to be when I turned 18.
Yes, boy, for you see, it never occurred to me that Princess had a gender limit. As far as I cared at the time, the only difference between Belle and I was that she was a girl and I was a boy and just as Adam (or the Beast, for those of you who do not know the Beast's name) saw her for who she truly was and loved her, someone would do the same with me. I was as sure of being a boy, as I was sure of being a Princess.
Some years later, Cuarón's A Little Princess would come out in movie theaters, and she would deliver onto me (us) the following line.
Miss Minchin: Don't tell me you still fancy yourself a princess? Child, look around you! Or better yet, look in the mirror.
(dramatic pause goes here)
Sara Crewe: I am a princess. All girls are. Even if they live in tiny old attics. Even if they dress in rags, even if they aren't pretty, or smart, or young. They're still princesses. All of us.
Yes. All of us. Even the ones who are boys.
Sadly, not long after this (which is an event that would later have me wanting to become a filmmaker) I had to face the real world. The real world had very definite standards when it came to its princesses, and I did not even begin to fit any of them.
While the fantasy became silent, it did not become absent. Sometimes things about ourselves that are hidden take on far more power than those that we do acknowledge. The Princess factor in my case sort of helped me through all of my jr. high and high school drama. It was an escape.
It would take until college to retake the whole Princess ideal. What is it? What does it mean for me? How does it affect me and those around me? Am I really a princess?
As the title of this blog might've told you, yes, I do still see myself as Princess-like. At first I commented it among friends as a joke, but it began gaining momentum in my own subconscious. I began to question what it meant to be a Princess, and how my being a male affected it.
My main issue was based on the idea that what is feminine is weak. A Princess can be a strong female figure, but to put any sort of feminine characteristic on a male ideal is to weaken it. Being a feminine boy, I was no stranger to people thinking of me as weak. The only answer to this, I was told, is to become more male (tougher, stronger, less sensitive). But that to me would've meant creating a mask. Strength is not real strength unless it comes from who you are.
But then I realized that for all it's chest-pounding bravado the idea of what is to be "a man" is fueled a lot by fear. Being "a man" is a lot more about what you don't do than what you actually do. So by forgoing that fear I was actually brave and strong. Putting on a mask would only give a face to my fears, showing myself as I am would be to deny fear an entryway.
Right now, what being a Princess means for me is to try and know yourself. It means to keep a sense of wonder about the world. It means to try and be kind to everyone. It means to focus not on the problem at hand but on how to solve it. It means not to underestimate yourself.
I am a Princess, and I say that only half-jokingly.
"Princess" has been a self-given title of myself for quite a while. I might not have called myself one in public until last year, but that doesn't mean I didn't see myself as one. Most of my make-believe games while growing up had me being one, as long as I played with myself (while playing with others, I didn't even try for a "prince" title). And my fascination with princesses comes mainly from the place where most girls got their self-deluded idea of royalty as well: Disney.
Nostalgia Chick did a pretty good video on the whole Disney Princess phenomenon. And it's important to mention that the Disney Princess line was sort of an afterthought after one of the honchos at Disney realized that girls really bought into the whole idea (the word "bought" there also refers to how much money they and/or their parents spent on the idea). For me, the Disney Princess was less a merchandise (probably because there were (or are) no items marketed for boys) and more an ideal. Disney Princesses might've started as complex stories of Damsels In Distress (Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty), but I grew up with the ones that would fight for what they wanted. I'd finally find my One True Princess with Belle.
Belle was well-read, snarky, and would wear one of the best dresses ever worn by a princess. She was brave, curious, and the kind of boy I wanted to be when I turned 18.
Yes, boy, for you see, it never occurred to me that Princess had a gender limit. As far as I cared at the time, the only difference between Belle and I was that she was a girl and I was a boy and just as Adam (or the Beast, for those of you who do not know the Beast's name) saw her for who she truly was and loved her, someone would do the same with me. I was as sure of being a boy, as I was sure of being a Princess.
Some years later, Cuarón's A Little Princess would come out in movie theaters, and she would deliver onto me (us) the following line.
Miss Minchin: Don't tell me you still fancy yourself a princess? Child, look around you! Or better yet, look in the mirror.
(dramatic pause goes here)
Sara Crewe: I am a princess. All girls are. Even if they live in tiny old attics. Even if they dress in rags, even if they aren't pretty, or smart, or young. They're still princesses. All of us.
Yes. All of us. Even the ones who are boys.
Sadly, not long after this (which is an event that would later have me wanting to become a filmmaker) I had to face the real world. The real world had very definite standards when it came to its princesses, and I did not even begin to fit any of them.
While the fantasy became silent, it did not become absent. Sometimes things about ourselves that are hidden take on far more power than those that we do acknowledge. The Princess factor in my case sort of helped me through all of my jr. high and high school drama. It was an escape.
It would take until college to retake the whole Princess ideal. What is it? What does it mean for me? How does it affect me and those around me? Am I really a princess?
As the title of this blog might've told you, yes, I do still see myself as Princess-like. At first I commented it among friends as a joke, but it began gaining momentum in my own subconscious. I began to question what it meant to be a Princess, and how my being a male affected it.
My main issue was based on the idea that what is feminine is weak. A Princess can be a strong female figure, but to put any sort of feminine characteristic on a male ideal is to weaken it. Being a feminine boy, I was no stranger to people thinking of me as weak. The only answer to this, I was told, is to become more male (tougher, stronger, less sensitive). But that to me would've meant creating a mask. Strength is not real strength unless it comes from who you are.
But then I realized that for all it's chest-pounding bravado the idea of what is to be "a man" is fueled a lot by fear. Being "a man" is a lot more about what you don't do than what you actually do. So by forgoing that fear I was actually brave and strong. Putting on a mask would only give a face to my fears, showing myself as I am would be to deny fear an entryway.
Right now, what being a Princess means for me is to try and know yourself. It means to keep a sense of wonder about the world. It means to try and be kind to everyone. It means to focus not on the problem at hand but on how to solve it. It means not to underestimate yourself.
I am a Princess, and I say that only half-jokingly.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
@spicuzz por que el twitter me da hueva
@mintonarel pues que el cine gringo ha hecho fregaderas por siempre, no se le perdona, ya sabes que asi es.
Hay muchas joyas en el cine gringo. Aún hoy en día hay películas gringas muy buenas. Algunas son independientes, algunas otras logran encontrar el apoyo de una productora grande, algunas son netamente comerciales. No me puedes decir que el cine gringo siempre ha hecho "fregaderas" cuando tu mismo has dicho que hay directores que han logrado "domar" a la industria Hollywoodense. El suceso no es nuevo, y descartar todo el cine gringo como malo es igual de iluso y prejuicioso que pretender que todo el cine mexicano es malo.
Y el decir "así es" es perdonarlo. ¿Por qué aguantamos una película nefasta gringa con excusas como "sólo vine a divertirme", "es mala pero pues se veía desde el trailer", o "es una película dominguera, no la sobreanalizes" pero esperamos que toda opera prima Mexicana sea comparable con Buñuel? Sí de verdad queremos que dejen de traer cine malo (sea de donde sea) lo que tenemos que hacer es dejar de verlo.
@mintonarel y pues la neta ellos tienen más $$ para hacer cine. Aquí es más dificil y está de la shit que se hagan fregaderas.
No es sólo el dinero, es la industria. Estados Unidos tiene una industria cinematográfica estable y por lo mismo se puede arriesgar de manera que el cine Mexicano no puede. Y muchas de esas "fregaderas" que se hacen se hacen por que el director luchó a capa y espada contra fuerzas enormes para lograr hacer su película. La gente que levanta las manos, se hace la víctima, y dice que "es muy difícil hacer cine" no merece hacer cine.
@mintonarel Y lo peor de todo es q basan esas fregaderas en cine gringo esperando recaudar la misma taquilla. Vamos, quieren seguir formulas
No tiene nada de malo seguir formulas, y no es fácil. La gente se las sabe y tiene con que comparar. Además no son formulas que hayan inventado los gringos, sino los antiguos griegos. Se siguen usando por que funcionan.
@mintonarel se hace cine de "formula" para "recuperar" la "inversion". No se hace cine porque se quiera hacer cine de calidad.
Perdón, pero por muy formula que sea el cine, la gente involucrada en general quiere hacer una película de calidad AL MISMO TIEMPO que quiere recuperar su inversión. Se soportan en la calidad de su producto para venderlo. Querer vivir de tu trabajo no es egoísta, es normal.
@mintonarel lo peor de todo es que tambien se hace cine de calidad. Pero los exhibidores no las pasan por miedo al fracaso taquillero.
Lo mismo le pasa a peliculas gringas independientes. El problema del cine en México es que TODO es independiente. No hay industria, y cada vez que se intenta hacer algo para crearla los mismos que trabajamos en el medio parecemos más empeñados en destruir lo que el otro tiene que en ayudar a construir algo de donde todos podamos vivir. También hay mucho cine que no exhiben por que es en verdad malo, y el director automáticamente se pone el manto de la virgen y a llorar como magdalena.
Anyway, cómo dijo @dannker "Esas son pláticas de primer semestre"
Hay muchas joyas en el cine gringo. Aún hoy en día hay películas gringas muy buenas. Algunas son independientes, algunas otras logran encontrar el apoyo de una productora grande, algunas son netamente comerciales. No me puedes decir que el cine gringo siempre ha hecho "fregaderas" cuando tu mismo has dicho que hay directores que han logrado "domar" a la industria Hollywoodense. El suceso no es nuevo, y descartar todo el cine gringo como malo es igual de iluso y prejuicioso que pretender que todo el cine mexicano es malo.
Y el decir "así es" es perdonarlo. ¿Por qué aguantamos una película nefasta gringa con excusas como "sólo vine a divertirme", "es mala pero pues se veía desde el trailer", o "es una película dominguera, no la sobreanalizes" pero esperamos que toda opera prima Mexicana sea comparable con Buñuel? Sí de verdad queremos que dejen de traer cine malo (sea de donde sea) lo que tenemos que hacer es dejar de verlo.
@mintonarel y pues la neta ellos tienen más $$ para hacer cine. Aquí es más dificil y está de la shit que se hagan fregaderas.
No es sólo el dinero, es la industria. Estados Unidos tiene una industria cinematográfica estable y por lo mismo se puede arriesgar de manera que el cine Mexicano no puede. Y muchas de esas "fregaderas" que se hacen se hacen por que el director luchó a capa y espada contra fuerzas enormes para lograr hacer su película. La gente que levanta las manos, se hace la víctima, y dice que "es muy difícil hacer cine" no merece hacer cine.
@mintonarel Y lo peor de todo es q basan esas fregaderas en cine gringo esperando recaudar la misma taquilla. Vamos, quieren seguir formulas
No tiene nada de malo seguir formulas, y no es fácil. La gente se las sabe y tiene con que comparar. Además no son formulas que hayan inventado los gringos, sino los antiguos griegos. Se siguen usando por que funcionan.
@mintonarel se hace cine de "formula" para "recuperar" la "inversion". No se hace cine porque se quiera hacer cine de calidad.
Perdón, pero por muy formula que sea el cine, la gente involucrada en general quiere hacer una película de calidad AL MISMO TIEMPO que quiere recuperar su inversión. Se soportan en la calidad de su producto para venderlo. Querer vivir de tu trabajo no es egoísta, es normal.
@mintonarel lo peor de todo es que tambien se hace cine de calidad. Pero los exhibidores no las pasan por miedo al fracaso taquillero.
Lo mismo le pasa a peliculas gringas independientes. El problema del cine en México es que TODO es independiente. No hay industria, y cada vez que se intenta hacer algo para crearla los mismos que trabajamos en el medio parecemos más empeñados en destruir lo que el otro tiene que en ayudar a construir algo de donde todos podamos vivir. También hay mucho cine que no exhiben por que es en verdad malo, y el director automáticamente se pone el manto de la virgen y a llorar como magdalena.
Anyway, cómo dijo @dannker "Esas son pláticas de primer semestre"
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
I want my money back
It's funny... when I was a kid, I thought grown-ups never worried about anything. I trusted my parents to take care of everything, and it never occurred to me that they might not know how. I figured that once you grew up, you automatically knew what to do in any given scenario. I don't think I'd have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I'd known the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed.
Calvin's Dad in Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson
Calvin's Dad in Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Rant the Second
Here is my thing about blogs, and, well, me. I have a number of obsessions. Blogs are not part of it, but they do help me exemplify some of these obsessions. The biggest one of them being order.
ORDER!
I could blame my dad for this, as he is a total neat freak, but I don't think my dad obsesses as much as I do on the contents of his drawers or closet (also, dad, I was trying to arrange my clothes by color at the age of, what, 8 and you were later surprised by my coming out of the closet?). If I wanted to get all psychological about it I could say that achieving order in those simple things made me feel better about NOT achieving order in other, more important things, but I'm getting off-topic here.
How this affects my relationship with blogs is simple, I want order in them. I DEMAND order in them. I want to know what they are about and how they go being about whatever they are about. I want cohesion, clarity, a topic, an idea that ties everything together, and no funny business about it.
My problem then is that my mind and mood wander so much this cohesion is pretty much on the grounds of "I wrote this stuff" (see exhibit A: my LJ). And what I write can go from Squall x Irvine fluff to really vague love confessions to... erm... more stuff. Also, my LJ did have some "I like this stuff" sprinkled on it.
My second obsession is being liked by everyone. Which in internet is sort of like wanting to come alive out of a forest filled with lions, bears, tigers, wolves, jaguars, badgers, and killer ants. Yes, it would be nice if it happened, but odds are not on your favor. At all. Also, the forest's floor is covered in poison ivy and there's venomous spiders everywhere.
Third and last obsession (I will be sharing with you, at least) is my online persona. I will admit to you people that I want one. But I haven't decided on one, so there's several. There's the quirky one. The woe-is-me one. The bitch. The pseudo-intellectual. And others. And they mix from time to time. It's a work in progress, people.
The point to this rant (and there is one, somewhere, I swear) is that this year I am trying to just quit the whole "I will plan this out better and then do it" thing and instead do things. Writing is one those things and blogging will be part of it. I do not know why I WANT to be a blogger but, apparently, I do. Bear with me people, things might get interesting.
ORDER!
I could blame my dad for this, as he is a total neat freak, but I don't think my dad obsesses as much as I do on the contents of his drawers or closet (also, dad, I was trying to arrange my clothes by color at the age of, what, 8 and you were later surprised by my coming out of the closet?). If I wanted to get all psychological about it I could say that achieving order in those simple things made me feel better about NOT achieving order in other, more important things, but I'm getting off-topic here.
How this affects my relationship with blogs is simple, I want order in them. I DEMAND order in them. I want to know what they are about and how they go being about whatever they are about. I want cohesion, clarity, a topic, an idea that ties everything together, and no funny business about it.
My problem then is that my mind and mood wander so much this cohesion is pretty much on the grounds of "I wrote this stuff" (see exhibit A: my LJ). And what I write can go from Squall x Irvine fluff to really vague love confessions to... erm... more stuff. Also, my LJ did have some "I like this stuff" sprinkled on it.
My second obsession is being liked by everyone. Which in internet is sort of like wanting to come alive out of a forest filled with lions, bears, tigers, wolves, jaguars, badgers, and killer ants. Yes, it would be nice if it happened, but odds are not on your favor. At all. Also, the forest's floor is covered in poison ivy and there's venomous spiders everywhere.
Third and last obsession (I will be sharing with you, at least) is my online persona. I will admit to you people that I want one. But I haven't decided on one, so there's several. There's the quirky one. The woe-is-me one. The bitch. The pseudo-intellectual. And others. And they mix from time to time. It's a work in progress, people.
The point to this rant (and there is one, somewhere, I swear) is that this year I am trying to just quit the whole "I will plan this out better and then do it" thing and instead do things. Writing is one those things and blogging will be part of it. I do not know why I WANT to be a blogger but, apparently, I do. Bear with me people, things might get interesting.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
New Year's Revolutions
1. Write more (this blog included)
2. Read more
3. Bake more
4. Exercise
5. Take care of myself
6. Pay attention
7. Learn Japanese
8. Organize myself and my stuff better
9. Manage myself and my money better
10. Reconnect with acquaintances/friends
11. Work.
12. Sing.
2. Read more
3. Bake more
4. Exercise
5. Take care of myself
6. Pay attention
7. Learn Japanese
8. Organize myself and my stuff better
9. Manage myself and my money better
10. Reconnect with acquaintances/friends
11. Work.
12. Sing.
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