The Me You Never Knew

So, as I was talking to a friend the other day I came to a point where I told him my main problem as of late. And by "as of late" I mean "for quite a while now".

I'm afraid.

Actually, "afraid" doesn't quite do justice to how I feel. I'm terrified. I'm paralyzed with fear. You know the point where you're too afraid to scream? That's where I'm at.

I also feel ridiculously silly for admitting such a thing.

As I talked to him, I realized that this fear was far too much for me to handle on my own. It's a monstrous amount of fear that looms over my every thought and action. That keeps me from doing what I want and from breaking loose of what I need to escape.

I'm so afraid that I'm actually surprised I've managed to get anything done in the past few months. Ever since the end of 2009 there hasn't been a week where one day I just lie on my bed, deciding that maybe if I hide from the world it might decide to go away and just leave me alone. I don't want to admit to my close friends or my family that I have such a hard time getting up in the morning. I don't want it to be known that as of late I've been running away, stalling, refusing to realize that my every action in the past was leading to this one point where I break out of a prison I crafted for myself.

I want out, you see, I desperately want out of this prison. And all I need in order to destroy it is the will, because I know of several ways to be done with it. But what this prison holds up is what I have come to consider the "correct" image of me. Or rather the correct images of me. I can't leave this prison and leave them standing, but to destroy it means to destroy an elaborate illusion of me I began crafting years ago.

Perhaps I could better explain this if I wrote you a fairy tale.

So I will.